3 Common Manager Moments and How to Handle Them with Clarity and Care
By Lisa Frisca, Dr. Dieter Veldsman, Ioanna Onasi
No one loves difficult conversations. But if you’re a manager, they come with the territory. And even more important- the cost of not having them far outweighs any discomfort you might have in the present.
The good news? These moments don’t have to tank morale or your confidence. With the right approach, tough conversations can be opportunities to clarify expectations, build trust, and even strengthen your team. When done well, tough conversations can be a great way as a manager to show that you act in a fair and consistent way, building credibility with your team
Here are three common scenarios we see all the time and some practical ways to handle them.
1. A team member is underperforming
You’ve tried subtle cues. You’ve dropped hints. But the work still isn’t where it needs to be. Now what?
What to do:
- Don’t wait. Delaying just makes things messier. Have the conversation when the pattern becomes clear—not when you’ve hit your limit.
- Be specific. Skip the generalities (“you’re not stepping up”) and get concrete (“the last two client reports missed key data points we agreed on”).
- Connect performance to impact. Help them see why it matters. “When the report misses data, we lose credibility with our clients.”
- Offer support, not just critique. Ask: “What’s getting in your way?” “What support would help you follow through more consistently?”
- Agree on actions: Make sure that there are tangible actions in place to offer support, remove stumbling blocks and enable the employee to change their behavior.
Say this:
“I’ve noticed a few recurring issues with the client reports. I want to talk through them so we can get aligned and make sure you have what you need to succeed moving forward.”
One note:
The above suggestions are for the first conversation. After that you need to explicitly follow up when you see growth or stagnation. Be curious about their perspective while being clear on necessary outcomes. And if you see a lack of growth over say 6 weeks, be sure to contact HR to help support you in supporting your teammate. It is important to bring consistency into the approach. Follow up regularly on the agreed actions to ensure follow through.
2. Someone asked for a raise—and you have to say no
They’ve been working hard. They want recognition. But the budget just doesn’t allow it. How do you say no without deflating them?
What to do:
- Acknowledge the ask. Don’t dodge or sugarcoat—honor the fact that they brought it up.
- Be transparent. If it’s budget constraints, say that. If it’s performance or timing, explain what needs to change and the resources available to support them (e.g. PD budget, leveraging your 1:1 to brainstorm)
- Focus on growth. Help them see the path forward: what would make them eligible next time? What can they work toward?
- Acknowledge the contribution. Make employees feel seen for their work.
Say this:
“I appreciate you advocating for yourself. Right now, we aren’t able to offer raises outside of the regular cycle. That said, let’s talk about how we can work toward that together—what would make the strongest case next time?”
One note:
Sometimes we work at smaller organizations where growth -or growth in a specific vertical- isn’t possible. If a promotion doesn’t seem likely, be clear that there may be a wall AND also help them to imagine what their ideal next role would be and what skills they can develop in their current role to get there. This doesn't mean they’ll stay forever but it could mean staying a few more years.
3. There’s conflict between two teammates
Tension’s rising. Slack is a mess. One person keeps venting to you. It’s tempting to ignore it and hope it resolves on its own. (Spoiler: it won’t.)
What to do:
- Get clear on what’s happening. Start with 1:1 conversations to understand perspectives without taking sides.
- Coach before you mediate. Often, what people need is help finding the words and courage to talk directly to each other.
- If needed, facilitate a joint conversation. If it’s gotten personal or patterns are entrenched, you may need to step in to mediate. Sometimes the best you can do is enable them to speak to each other. Don't immediately jump in and take ownership of the process.
Say this:
“I’ve noticed some tension between you and [colleague’s name], and I want to make sure we address it before it affects the team. I’d like to understand more about what’s been going on from your perspective, and then talk through how we can move forward.”
One note:
Conflict can get very messy, very fast. If you believe that any sort of bullying is taking place or conflict that pertains to one’s identity, you should consult with your HR team to ensure you handle this with the appropriate care. Additionally it’s important to not betray confidentiality in these conversations. If someone confides in you, but is not ready to take action yet, you need to respect that.
Final thought:
Difficult conversations don’t have to be dramatic. In fact, when you approach them with clarity, curiosity, and care, they can become the moments your team remembers—not because they were painful, but because they were honest. And the process of coming out on the other side strengthens your team and the trust within.
The Influence Factor
At the end of the day, the toughest moments are where real leadership shows up. Anyone can lead when things are smooth, but the best managers distinguish themselves when conversations are difficult. Influence in leadership isn’t about authority or titles; it’s about the trust you build, the steadiness you show, and the positive direction you provide in moments of stress.
When you handle underperformance, disappointments, or conflict with fairness, empathy, and consistency, you do more than just de-escalate, you set a standard. You demonstrate to your team that challenges can be navigated without blame or fear, but with integrity and growth in mind. This ripple effect builds loyalty, resilience, and alignment not only within your team but across the company.
Strong managers know: every tough talk is an opportunity to strengthen influence. It’s how you model the behavior you want to see, create a culture of trust, and show that leadership isn’t about avoiding hard moments but about shaping them into something constructive.
Check out our influence ebook here.
